My Malady

So I've come to realize that I have problem with sleeping.
I avoid it at all costs
for at least 3 years, since I haven't had a full time job
I drink coffee until 3 in the morning
every night
I don't dislike sleep
I enjoy dreaming
I just don't get the desire to fall asleep until I've burned out every bit of fuel in my body.
on tour, after countless hour drives, we'll get to where were staying
and I will sit up doing nothing on my laptop
long after everyone else has gone to sleep.
there is no reason
I try to make my time awake valuable
but I spend most of it day dreaming
and grieving way too many things
that I should be putting behind me
I'm only 22 years old
but sometimes I feel like I've experienced
a whole life's worth of sadness
but I know it's not that bad
I know I tend to dwell on things
far past the point that I should
I should be more grateful
My stream of conscience is littered
with little mishaps
and fuck ups
and what ifs
and could have beens
and what the fuck am I doing wrong

listening to:

Goldmund - The Winter of 1539 - 1540
it's pretty much the coldest, most haunting, beautiful thing you can let grace your ears. but its not an easy listen

Sargeist- Satanic Black Devotion
one of the best, saddest black metal songs ever written.